Tuesday

--by Jennifer

This morning, Greg got up a little before 5 o'clock. He met up with his fellow deputies and staked out a house. He then ran through back yards, crashed through bushes, and confronted strippers and druggies in a 4th-story attic apartment, all in hopes of finding a murder suspect.

This morning, I got up a little after 5 o'clock. I scraped ice off my windshield, devoured a Kashi granola bar and chugged a Doubleshot, then helped unload, unwrap, and display nearly 4,000 pieces of merchandise at my new job.

We're about even, in my opinion.

Lunch was the buffet at the Global Cafe, which is fortuitously close to Greg's apartment. Unfortunately, I left Los Angeles almost immediately after Melanie and I found the absolute best mom and pop Indian restaurant. I now have a serious appreciation for naan bread and chicken tikka masala. Turns out, the cafe is representin'. See picture at right. I feasted on rice, chicken, and mustard greens until I was quite full. For dessert, I had a second helping, this time in a bowl. I now have a food baby. Good thing I purchased a magazine in December that has a 5-page spread, complete with photos, of Jennifer Aniston's workout routine. Now, if I could only find said periodical...

Then, while driving home, I passed the sign pictured below. The last time I posted a sign with less than stellar spelling (dounts, anyone?), the reaction was minimal at best. Nevertheless, my brain is wired to spot deficiencies of many kinds, so I was compelled to use my new camera to document this one.


I wonder if the sign maker is to blame, or if Mr. Clark wanted to be different and catchy, or if he just doesn't care unless it's made of rubber.

My afternoon was spent like all my afternoons: typing. My cat is perfect, by the way. She sometimes sits on my lap as I work, but today, she preferred the back room, looking out the window. Reason #24 why she is perfect: she doesn't try to eat food off of my plate. Ever. The disinterest of cats wins out over beggarly dogs always!

Enough for now. As I mentioned before, I got up at 5 o'clock. What am I, crazy? (that is rhetorical)

Here in the Heartland

I just spent an unholy amount of time going through my inbox. I am beyond embarrassed to admit that I responded to an email that I received in June of 2006. So take that, those of you who think I'm dead when you don't hear from me in two weeks!! Also, my 'unread' queue went from 160 to 52.

Among the incredibly interesting things I learned from this archiving session was that there is a man who is swimming the Amazon River right now. Read about it here. Or visit his personal website here. He is braver than me, because, according to the article about him (many thanks to Kelly for encouraging me to swim the Amazon myself), he is in danger of, "Piranha, crocodiles, sharks, and candiru, or toothpick fish, that like to swim into body orifices, erect a spine and start feeding on blood and tissue." I mean, he's doing it for the sake of "Peace and the environment," but I believe that the $1 million that it is taking to finance his maniacal endeavor (not to mention the buckets of animal blood that will be loaded onto support boats to distract flesh-eating fish and reptiles as he swims) could be donated to some humanitarian organization. Everyone wins! Except for the sharks; I'm personally betting on them.

On to news of the Mississippi. Last week, Greg was off for Presidents' Day, so we took a 50-mile or so drive out to the country. His boss, Charlie, and Charlie's wife, Linda, have a sizable farm. Among their animals are: a Great Pyrenees, a Mastiff, a donkey, three cats, 5 goats, and a baby goat. See her on the left?

I've finally taken photos of my life, at least started to. See them here. I've also taken on another job, an admission of my hopeless addiction to clothing. FYI, I am nearly 6 feet tall with limbs to match and have always been on the low end of the weight chart. Now that Gap and Banana Republic have begun serving the needs of us gangly types, I am left without choice: I have joined the ranks of Gap, Inc. employees because of the discounts!! Don't worry, I am only unloading the delivery truck on Tuesday and Thursday mornings from 6-11. There is still plenty of time to type, type, type away on those afternoons, as well as every other weekday and into the nights. Greg has pretty much forgotten what the 'fun' Jennifer is like; I am a workaholic in jammies. It snowed last weekend, but has been rather mild this week. Today, I've weathered the Severe Thunderstorm Warning in the safety of Panera (I bite my thumb at you, Memphis!), enjoying a bagel with cream cheese of the hazelnut variety! Oh, heaven. On the downside, as the Panera soundtrack cycled, I did notice Kenny G (or someone pretending to be him) playing a no-words version of James Blunt's song 'You're Beautiful.' Really? I mean, really?

Also, on my way back and forth from the rental room to Greg's house, I see many a billboard. I think that MacDonald's is winning the race by a long shot. Allow me to explain.


I had passed the advertisement above many times, and many times had thought that if a $2 heart attack-in-a-sack in someone's only reason for getting out of bed in the morning, that person should seek serious help immediately.


But upon seeing this personalized McMarriage Proposal during Valentine's week, I had to make serious mention of the PR assault that is being waged. Notice that the woman is asking the man via Ronald's engaging demeanor. How much more romantic can it get, people? There have been two more messages since I took this photo, and I am tempted to call the branch and ask if he was persuaded to bow to her thoughtful gesture.

And another thing...

It is 21:24. I should be asleep, or well on my way. Instead, I am attempting to collect my scattered thoughts into a coherent bundle to assuage your collective fears, quell your hysterics, and answer your questions.




1. I am mostly dead, but slightly alive.
2. If you are one who is desperate for images from Brian and Susan's wedding of the century, go here first.
3. I have shunned personal/human interaction of late due to computer problems. I know the opposite seems more natural, but that is the truth. Since having to send my precious Mac to Memphis for repairs, I have been working early, late, and hours in between to try and recoup the money I paid for said apparatus. And other various expenses that have come careening my way in the last, oh, six months.
4. Today I played with a kid. As in a baby goat. Pictures to follow, since I now have my own digital camera that I carry everywhere. In fact, my money says you'll get tired of me posting new photos.
5. I promise that my next post will not involve numbered points. What is this, a syllabus?

The Land of the Delta Blues

Memphis has:

1. A pyramid. I'm fairly certain this was constructed in the post-paleolithic era.

2. A branch of the Johnnie Cochran Law Firm and I am not kidding. The signs have a striking photo of Mr. Cochran (see left). My question: do people think they will really have Johnnie (1937-2005) as representation?

3. A store that advertises rims for your car, available for sale OR RENT. Sign me up.

4. Justin Timberlake's 2000 Dodge Viper, with only 4,000 miles on it, on consignment at a local Audi dealership. Price? A mere $60,000. Kelley Blue Book value? $40,000, tops.

5. No Panera. That's right, no Panera Bread. This is devastating. Not only because they have the best hazelnut cream cheese on the planet, but because their WiFi is free. I was incensed when I tried to avail myself of the T-Mobile service at Starbucks, only to learn that one must posses a T-Mobile account in order to surf. The cheapest plan? $9.99/day. Do they really think that I, after paying $17.82 for a cup of designer coffee, am then going to pay for internet access? I can sit in the Krystal parking lot and use theirs.


BONUS: $5 to the best response. Post under the 'response' link at the bottom.

In 20 words or less, describe your words of encouragement to the gas station employee unfortunate enough to be responsible for this ad.



Also, when you're done composing your managerial exhortation, watch this. It is a spoof of 'Riding Dirty', originally performed by Chamillionaire. I had never heard of this person before Googling him 10 minutes ago. After hearing his 'song' on the radio today, I am no closer to understanding it, as a disproportionate number of the lyrics were bleeped out. All that to say, Weird Al has crafted a clean, entertaining, and equally beat-driven product. Somehow, I think it fits with the tenor of this particular post. Enjoy!