She speaks!

Besides the news of the decade, I've not posted in three weeks. Apologies. I hope I have not decimated my fan base entirely. But rest assured, life has not passed me by. In the last 16 days, I have been doing penance - undergoing unintentional self-flagellation for my prior remarks. Once again, I am reminded that making fun of the words of others only cements them in one's own mind. At random times, and much to the consternation of any poor soul who happens to be within earshot, I can be seen shaking my fist at the sky yelling 'dang you, Nick Lachey! Dang you!'. And I am not kidding. Greg finally asked me to stop. I did. Outwardly.

Immediately following my return from helping Greg move to Cape Girardeau, MO, (be sure to look at all the pics here), I was compelled to keep an appointment with the aforementioned Dr. Pain. My date with destiny (or should I say dentistry?) had only been delayed because of the evasive maneuvers of Blue Cross of California, a company which preys on the weak and the vigorous and is no respecter of persons. Finally, as of 1 November, I was "insured". Please note the air quotes. The night before my filling, I read over my schedule of "benefits" (please note the air quotes) and was surprised to find that although so-called 'preventative procedures' (such as x-rays and cleaning) are eligible for immediate coverage, 'basic care procedures' (such as fillings) are not eligible for coverage until after 'the deductible and 3-month waiting period' have been satisfied. That means that BC/BS receives three months of payments before they'll cover me for dental? Does that mean, by the same logic, that I will be covered three months following my cancellation of (and thus payment for) coverage? This is like paying for cable three months before you can watch Comedy Central. More shaking of the fist!!

So I arrived 5 minutes late (I live in L.A.) and waved off the dental techs/hygienists that swarmed me as I entered (I was, after all, the last appointment of the day), instead addressing the receptionist with my monetary concerns. She made a call. My explanation of benefits is erroneous. Fist shaking continued. The two dental helpers were very nice, I said 'ya'll', they smiled knowingly, I sweated profusely, told them I have a pocket copy of the constitution in my man-bag, they smiled knowingly again, the dentist put a topical gel on my gum that made it go tingly and waited a few minutes. During this wait, I heard the male helper say to the female helper something about 'feeling her kick' and the other respond 'yeah, it's pretty strong sometimes'. And I broke a cardinal rule of social engagement: I asked a woman who was not in obvious labor, with a child actually proceeding from her womb at that very instant, if she was pregnant. I caught myself mid-sentence, but it was too late. I had to finish. Luckily, she is due in January.

Following this transgression, the dentist returned, gave me the shots I had so dreaded, and proceeded to cover my entire mouth save molar #19 with a 'rubber dam'. It was meant to keep the tooth dry, but it served to immobilize my jaw in wide-open position for at least 20 minutes. My mouth has never been so open for so long without the slightest movement and took at least 30 seconds to close fully after the dam was removed. The entire left side of my face (inside and out), as well as the left side of my tongue, was dead for 4 hours. That's right, 4 hours. I think Dr. Pain actually gave me an oral epidural, but I can't prove it in a court of law. Yet. As I drug my sweaty, socially-awkward, half-numb and drooling self to the front desk to pay, I basked in the knowledge that it was all over. I signed my payment form (still unsure of what my deductible is and how much BC will actually pay) when I saw the dentist eyeing my x-rays and heard him say 'let me just look at something for a second.' That turned into round two, with the rubber dam, the drilling, the filling, the laser light beeping, the suction. I'm just glad he caught the SECOND cavity in the same tooth before my 4 hours of numbness wore off. Fist pumping.

Also, I woke up that morning with an incredibly sore throat, which dentist-induced excessive salivation only aggravated.

For the sake of brevity, allow me to use commas. My cat is eating the Science Diet. Sometimes. My friend Linda drove through on Wednesday and had time to stop for dinner with some friends I was already meeting. We left my office at 4.50 to drive down Olympic for a total of 6 miles. We arrived at 5.50. So much for quality time together; mostly, I gazed longingly at her in my rear view mirror. On Thursday, I decided I could change the 5-gallon glass water cooler jug on my own. I was wrong. I dropped the full one on top of an empty one. Some shards were still there when I left on Friday, since we couldn't vacuum wet carpet. J.R. eased my pain by telling me to title my blog 'shards of glass'. Only he thought that was funny. On Thursday night, I boiled water to make tea to soothe my week-and-a-half-old sore throat. As I tried to pour water from the saucepan into the narrow mouth of my mug, I thought 'there has to be a better way.' To the right is the scene I saw only moments before I realized my complete idiocy. In the last week, I have seen a sign for Little Ethiopia, a Bentley/Lamborghini dealership, a Talbots Petites store whose facade is to scale (probably 60% of the regular-sized Talbots storefront next door), a BBC news article telling of UK scientists planning to fuse bovine eggs and human DNA to create embryos, heard CNN address the resurrected PC issue of 'Happy Holidays' vs. 'Merry Christmas' (what really offends people most about Christmas? Is it the 'peace on earth' or the 'goodwill towards men?') but ignore the equally valid (or equally invalid) affront of halloween, and a car on top of a motorcycle on da-405, the driver laying in the middle of the road. In L.A., motorcyclists are free to split lanes and are quite cavalier about their right to do so. I have almost killed at least 12 of them just by merging left.

I realize the disjointed nature of my ramblings, but considering my life of late, that's the best I can do.